One dayy, what seemed out of the blue to me , God said"Forgive me for what needs be". Of course I said You're perfect no one needs to forgive you of anything. He said no more then. I asked my pastor and others about this and the only answer I got was " It is not scriptural , can't work with it. One person even felt it was time to call me out on my shortcomings. WOW! I just take those in and make my personal adjustments without retaliation. I find retaliation has no gain in these matters. I went back to God and asked what is with this ? I know it was you. Why do I get this response? He said they are legalistic, I speak Bible ,Brain and Heart. God went silent .
I went to an Open Table Conference and asked one of the speakers Baxter Kruger what his thoughts were. He actually got excited. Of course it is God . He is very relational. That is your invitation to talk with Papa about some things it has never been safe for you to talk about before. Baxter said go home and ask God what He wants to talk about and get back to me tomorrow.
On the way home I asked the question. The answers inside me came out with bitter crying. I saw my self a 4 year old frustrated at my attempts to get kindness and love from my Mom. Her anger and violent temper were terrifying me.
I went to my closet and pulled out my favorite dress and ran away to my grandma who was one house away. I sat on her lap and she told me there was no room for me at her house she still had 5 kids home, so I had to go back. I slowly went back and decided in my head I was alone , there was no one for me. I lived my whole life that way, wanting love but never able to get it.
Since accepting my faith in Jesus I have done so much inner healing work. Writing letters of forgiveness to my parents.
I made the necessary phone calls and visits. I have journaled. I have read so much on inner healing and reversing the courses that we can bring on yourself. So why am I still having issues. I have been praying to find out why and what these anxieties are that keep me unsettled and why can I not sleep through the night?
Back to Baxter: He had me picture Jesus with me and Grandma. Then he asked me to let Jesus show me pictures of all the painful things that I am hanging on to. and put them in a photo album. I saw my whole life fly by in pictures into this book . He had me describe my thoughts and feelings as it was happening. Then we closed the book . I handed it to Jesus. He hugged it until it disappeared inside Him. He took it in Himself like it was a treasure. My suffering and pain meant something to Him.
I realized I had done all the head work and bible work but not the pain in my hart and soul. Jesus valued it and I could lay it to rest with him. I can move on and have the joy I was looking for and Now I sleep all night. I see my friends and family with new closeness. I am not alone.